Wednesday, December 7, 2011

more liquid courage


so i'm feeling good about my all-protein-shakes-all-the-time-regimen at the moment. i've been doing four shakes a day, which is 680 calories and 140 grams of protein. 

on monday, i felt pretty good all day and didn't get really hungry until later at night when i was sitting at home watching tv. what i did notice throughout the day was how many times my mind went to food, which i guess isn't surprising. what was a pleasant surprise was that i didn't have real cravings and that's something that definitely has changed since the surgery, i've noticed. in that way, my hunger and urges have changed. so that's good.

yesterday (day 2) was a little harder...i was pretty hungry from about noon on and had a lunch meeting that smelled quite good (i have another one today). what i find i'm thinking about as far as food, which is nice, is fresh and healthy foods - mostly vegetables. that makes me feel proud and healthy, and i'm hoping that that will guide me as i reenter the food world tomorrow. of course i have to prioritize protein, but i think i can value both equally.

last night my energy was very low which i remember happening on the liquid diet pre-surgery and i felt very hungry but it is what it is.

when i walk by restaurants and food trucks and markets, i see and smell the food and for a moment i'm afraid a craving or a sadness or a feeling of deprivation will overtake me, but then i just as quickly notice that it doesn't. i don't feel much about it at all. that's the biggest surprise, how much less i feel that when i'm not eating than when i am. though i guess it's not that shocking after all - when you know you will have nothing, it's easier in a way. i guess that speaks to why people say that food is the hardest addiction to break - because you have to eat, whereas you could cut out other vices completely and be fine. so i guess by cutting out food completely on these days, it's black and white and that's easier than gray any day of the week.

another interesting thing i've noticed is that i feel less of a hunger in other ways too...i've been feeling so full of want recently - want of stuff, of money, of food, of certain feelings - and in the last 2 days, i feel more at peace with what i have ... less consumptive, if that's a word. i guess consumption yields more consumption and creates a bottomless pit? that's my running theory at the moment...

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